To Whom It May Concern (Constant Reader):
We are writing to express our ardent interest in any and all employment opportunities available this summer. This talented, quasi-famous comedy duo has the drive, the perseverance, and the overwhelmingly good looks to function as your newest pair of employees. While Joel has the drive and perseverance, Cody has the good looks.
Between the two of us, we have extensive experience in fields like off-road rollerblading, professional people-watching, equestrian skydiving, underwater speed dating, and, of course, Women’s Studies. We find that all of these skills will enable us to be great assets for your company. Furthermore, between Joel’s right hand and Cody’s left hand, we can reach typing speeds upwards of 27 words per minute—which synergizes perfectly with our proficiency certifications in World of Warcraft 13375p34k and Incoherent Youtube Comment Flame Warring.
Oh also the Sherman and Gloria H. Cohen Career Center said that employers like it when we talk about what personal growth we expect to gain from our employment. We actually have several objectives concerning this which are most certainly not made up. We would like to learn more about ourselves, discovering especially those types of qualities within us that would make us more desirable hires. Luckily, we have spent gratuitous amounts of time padding our résumés with incredibly worthless activities from which we extract, magnify, and overstate our bare-minimum efforts. The idea for this tactic first came to Joel in a prophetic dream in which the likeness of Alan B. Miller divulged his ultimate formula for success: “Walk softly,” he said, Bull Moose twinkle in his eye, “and carry an artificially bloated résumé.”
Beyond what abilities we share, our individual qualities enable us to act as the perfectly complementary employee unit; between Joel’s theatre major and Cody’s English major, you’re set. Do you have a boring task for us? Joel can act like he cares. Do you need to fire someone for no reason? Cody’s vague, theoretical terminology is perfect for any pink slip. Are you a wallflower at those dreaded employee Christmas parties? Joel’s extensive repertoire of accents can keep anyone interested for at least ten minutes. Do you need help doing your taxes? Hire an accountant.
We are delighted to be considered for employment, and we believe that this letter of interest outlines the many ways we might possibly be beneficial to you. Below, you will find our contact information. If you have any job offers, please feel free to get in touch with us. If you do not have any job offers, please feel free to get in touch with us. No one emails us anymore.
Joel White and Cody Sigmon
PO Box 2849030
New York City, MO 80085